Harmless as a dove

 

Matthew 10:16 – So be as wise as a serpent but harmless like a dove.

Papa, yesterday was an unpleasant day. I was having some issues with one of the departments. The person that was dealing with us was very rude and… I was very pissed off and i was ready to fight… i wanted to reply her in a merciless way… But, this popped out in my mind: be cunning as a serpent, but be harmless as a dove……..

I actually wanted to ignore that voice and proceed with the angry and mean reply that i intended to write. But, for some reasons, i wasn’t able to ignore that voice. I realized that It was Your voice. Papa, that was You, am i right?

For one second i was angry that You stopped me. But, after i pulled myself together again, i felt so much love.  Yes, You stopped me because You love me. You love me so much that You even speak to me. Papa, thank you for Your love, thank you for loving me even when i was trying to disobey You, when i was trying to ignore You, when i don’t look like You at all. Papa, thank you for allowing me to hear Your voice. Who can ever reject that voice.

I did not write the mean reply and i thank You for this, Papa. By Your grace, I have preserved my image as Your child by not writing the angry reply.

I want to be like You, Papa. I want to be always loving and merciful. You are love and as a child of Yours, i will be that image of love. I know that i am just an unworthy clump of dust. But, Your love have given me the dignity, the dignity of being Your child. Let whoever comes to me find Your face in me. For i am Your child, and so let me be whatever that is in You. You are love, and so i will carry this love, for i am Your child.

 

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Your flower wants to return

Papa,

Your flower who stabbed me half a year ago and left your garden… i think she wants to come back, Papa…

i think my wound has healed, Papa, i no longer hate her, not even angry with her anymore…

But, Papa, that bridge between Your flower and I has broken. I no longer know how to go near her although i am no longer angry or hurt…

I still remember what i said to You many months ago:

If Your flower doesn’t know what is love and mercy, then… let me show her by my action… let me teach her what is forgiveness… Like an elder sister, i will show her the love and mercy that you have lavished on us… I will show her what Your son has showed us… I will show her what does it mean to be Your daughter… I will let her know that she is capable of doing this too… for she is Your daughter too…

But, Papa, i no longer how to go near her… I will stand here… If she smiles at me, i will smile at her… If she wants to come, i won’t run away… but i can’t walk anymore, she has to walk… She has to build the bridge this time… I will be harmless as a dove…

 

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The taste of freedom

The child called and the Father heard
and He rushed to her rescue

And this is how freedom tastes like
To be free from hatred
To be free from the heavy chains of the devil
To be able to love again
To love Your creatures

I love You, my Lord
I love You with all my heart

Thank you for delivering me from this distress
Thank you and i love You
i love You
i love You
I love You

There’s so much joy and no word can describe my joy adequately

I missed the chance
And I asked for another chance for your flower and I to reconcile
And immediately you have given me another opportunity
Recognizing the opportunity as an answer to my prayer
I quickly grabbed it

O Father, i thank You
i love You!

You know my human nature is weak
I don’t know when will i fall again
Sustain me with Your grace and i will be fine
I need only Your grace

I hope not to fall again
But, even if i fall again, i know Your grace will help me to stand up again
Falling teaches me to be humble and be docile to Your grace
And so I rely only on Your grace

Let my eyes be fixed on You
Then, even if i should fall again, Your loving gaze will help me to stand up again

I love You
I love You
I love You with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and all my strength

Yes, i will love with all my strength

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my God, I love You!!!

my God, I love You!!!
You must have heard my prayer
You must have
You must have
I love You! I love You!!!

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Your little clump of dust

dear Lord my God,
I can hear you.
You call me through all channels
You speak to me through all channels

Do you love me that much?
I am just a clump of dust
A clump of dust that is incapable of loving the way You do
Why do you love this clump of dust…

Your little clump of dust was in distress
You heard Your dust and flown to her rescue
You, the Almighty, pursuing this little clump of dust

In my helplessness i heard Your voice
tenderly and lovingly You called me
You called me by my name
What is this clump of dust that You even called her by name

Your little clump of dust have heard Your voice
But she is incapable of responding to that call
She wept and wept
How she wished to run to You and throw herself into Your arms
and spend the eternity gazing at Your loving eyes
She knows that there is no love in her eyes
Only hurt and hatred
How can she look into Your loving eyes with that tainted eyes

And yet in my helplessness
Your unwavering love is my only hope
And i give thanks to You for allowing me to recognize Your voice amidst of the noise
For this clump of dust is Your lamb
Even the dusty lamb recognizes the voice of its shepherd

“With My mercy, I pursue sinners along all their paths…”

Pursue me, this clump of dust, heal my heart so that it is capable of loving again. Pursue me, my Lord, until i return to You, so that Your heart will be filled with joy.

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Revive my heart, my Lord

Dear shepherd, call my name, call my name again…

 

Papa,
what Your flower did to me has caused me great distress.
I was deeply affected as i struggled to do Your will.

But, Papa, those distress has lessened a lot.
Most of the time, i don’t even feel it.
It isn’t because my wound has healed,
but because my heart has hardened and become numb.

Such numbness terrifies me, Papa.
It frees me from the pain that Your flower has inflicted on me.
But, it has drawn me away from You.
The moment the pain disappeared,
the connection between You and i disappeared too.
I no longer yearns to do Your will.
I am frustrated.
My heart is full of hatred and frustration.
This terrifies me, Papa.
I can’t feel You.

I would rather be in pain than to be distant from You.
When the pain was so intense, I can feel Your presence,
and that makes me feel secure.
No pain is unbearable as long as You are close to me
because the pain was a result of the heart that loves and yearned to do Your will.

Dear Lord, my God,
You, the one who loves without getting tired,
You, the one with unfathomable love and mercy,
make haste and come to me.
Call my name and touch my hardened heart.
Only Your earnest and tender voice can revive this frozen heart of mine,
so that it can beat for you once more.

What a weak and lousy heart huh?
Easily hardened and frozen…
What have i to offer that does not fade or wither?
Even my heart is not fit to be a good offering to You.

Indeed, Your love is divine.
You love the sinners as much as the saints.
You have come for the sinners and even died for the sinners.
Who has that kind of love?
Indeed, Your love is divine.

Teach me that love again, my Lord, my Master, my God, my Love.
I throw my heart into the furnace of Your love.
Purify it, my Lord,
so that it loves the way You love.
Let me love until it hurts, and still love.
Revive my heart so that it beats again,
beats as it echoes the voice of Your tender love.

 

 

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Hate and curse

Papa,

It is so hard to do Your will.

I don’t know why must Your flower do all those nasty things to me.

The devil wants me to hate and curse.

But, Papa, I don’t want to hate and curse.

It is so hard to resist hatred.

Help me, so that i will always be obedient to Your will,

let me be a reflection of Your love,

haiz, Papa, help me!

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to love You with all my strength

To truly love you with all my heart, with all my mind and all my soul requires me to use all my strength to fight against the beast…… so that i can be entirely Yours

Papa, i cried out with a loud voice so that you may hear me and come to my rescue.

I cried out to You and You heard me
I can see Your hand
I can see the help that You have sent

It’s so hard, Papa
Your flower, Your beloved flower…
I don’t know what to do with Your flower

Now i know what does it mean to love You with all my strength
I use all my strength to love You
to make Your will as my will
and Your will is tough
It is tough but i can’t give up
I can’t quit
for Your will is the perfect goodness
which i can’t resist

Now i know why love requires strength
so much strength
till the last drop of my energy
To truly love you with all my heart, with all my mind and all my soul requires me to use all my strength to fight against the beast so that i can be entirely Yours

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It is in this intense pain that I feel so close to You

my Lord and my God, my King, I gaze at Your portrait of Divine Mercy and wonder if You find it hard to love that flower too?

I know the answer and I know what You want of me. You want me to love without getting tired of loving.

It is in this intense pain that I feel so close to You, so close to Your heart, Your heart that loves without getting tired.

This cross burdens me and the thorns cut through my flesh. This pain is like a mirror that allows me to see my inadequacy, it shows me that i am far from Your likeness. Oh, how i wish to be like You!

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle!

 

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what You ask is tough

what You ask is tough, Papa

Papa, are You speaking to me? Is that Your voice?

 

St. John of the Cross’ advice on conquering self-love

Mercy, remember, is loving and seeking the well-being of difficult, needy, irritating, unattractive, unpleasant, smelly, nasty, unworthy others unto discomfort and self-renunciation.

“It is enough to have referred to the many imperfections of those who live in this beginner’s state to see their need for God to put them into the state of proficients. He does this by introducing them into the dark night, of which we will now speak. There, through pure dryness and interior darkness, he weans them from the breasts of these gratifications and delights, takes away all these trivialities and childish ways, and makes them acquire the virtues by very different means. No matter how earnestly beginners in all their actions and passions practice the mortification of self, they will never be able to do so entirely — far from it — until God accomplishes it in them passively by means of the purgation of this night.”

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